I have come to realize that there are a lot of things in this world that disappoint me.  I could go on and on about election financing, genocide in Darfur, Lies our government tells us, abused children/people and all of the other horrible injustices that we see and hear about every day, but those really aren’t disappointments as they are things that conjure up anger, sadness and in general just piss me off.  When I talk about disappointments, I mean the little things that happen that just kind of take the wind out of your sail for the day.  Things like looking forward to your morning coffee from your favorite barista, only to get a cup full of foam and burnt coffee and not having enough time to have them fix it.  Having a friend cancel on the lunch date you have been looking forward too, finding out the movie you reserved at the video store didn’t come back and you will have to wait for another time.  Little things like this happen  every day.  These are all things that disappoint me, but those who know me, already can tell this has nothing to do with the “normal” disappointments that most people suffer through, but some kind of strange Toniland disappointment, and yes you are right, so here goes.

We all have things from our childhood that we hold onto.  Things that make us feel good just because they take us back to an innocent time, a time when our biggest concern was being able to stay up a half an hour later, or getting a $1.00 raise in our allowances.  I have those same things.  Small kernels of childhood swirl in my brain constantly.

I don’t ever remember a time when I believed in Santa Clause, or the Easter Bunny or even the tooth fairy (however, I did believe in the Sandman, but that’s another story) so I really don’t have those things to take me back to my innocence.  But I have other fictional or fabled things and ideas that I don’t wanna lose.

My Grandparents had a house in Lake Havasu Arizona,and we were sitting around after their first winter there talking about the things that happen in Havasu.  And well, you know old people, they like to talk about old people stuff, medication, other old people and animals and such.  So we got on the subject of the roadrunner (which at this time I awoke from my nap with complete interest)  The Roadrunner is a prevalent bird in Havasu, I guess they are everywhere.  I was quite excited about this conversation, because I had very found memories of the roadrunner.  My oh my that crazy bird always being chased by that insane coyote. (she takes a minute to laugh a bit)  You know, the Roadrunner, that crazy road bird that hauls ass so fargin fast that he curls up the pavement behind him….I am sorry..what was that?  WTF??? What the hell do you mean that’s only in the cartoon???  The previous sentence is what pretty much came out of my mouth during the revelations I was forced to experience during this oh so lovely conversation with my soul crushing grandparents.  Uh Yeah…So come to find out, after a heartbreaking conversation with the G-Parents,my lovely youthful bubble was popped, the Roadrunner does not curl up the pavement when they run..and EVEN WORSE…They don’t go MEEP MEEP..THATS RIGHT…THEY DON’T GO MEEP MEEP …oh yeah, and one more thing, my Grandma said she never once saw a coyote chasing one.  Jesus…next I’m sure someone is gonna tell me you can’t throw a black mat up onto a rock to make a tunnel…What was that???  NO FREAKIN WAY…You can’t do that either???

So yes, this is one of the many things that disappoint me.  While you all are crying in your foamed up, burnt, extremely disappointing coffee, I am struggling with REAL AND TRUE disappointment, the disappointment of the Roadrunner.  No meep meep, no coyote, no curled pavement and not even a purple tuft.   Honestly, I am not sure if I can go on.  I will suffer my disappointment quietly, never being able to return to that that place, knowing that there is one less kernel of childhood swirling in my brain.  I will wait until the next horrifying disappointment that I will endure, when someone decides to screw with me and tells me something crazy like there is no such place as Riverdale and that Archie and Jughead don’t even exist or some crazy shit like that…..

I do believe that we, as a generation are younger than ever before…I mean, I remember my parents in their 30′s and they were soooo old.  They listened to talk radio, watched The Lawerence Welk show and never slept in on Sundays.  I listen to  loud music, I stay up too late, sleep in and wake up every morning to MTV or VH1.  I am still young, and therefore, don’t need to be 20..so I say goodbye 20..Hello 30!

I did my twenties, I did them very well.  I partied, I drank, I danced, I shopped and I dated my way through the decade.  I went on vacations, had girl weekends, made lots of money.  I have a very clear, yet very blurry memory of the last ten years.  Moving into my 30′s, I realize my twenties were a big party and now I just have a throbbing headache.

 My twenties were also riddled with a lot of pain.  Addiction, breakups, let downs, debt and self esteem meltdowns.  However, I am happy that I was able to learn and grow through the last ten years, and realize that I am bigger, better and stronger then ever before. 

So I am a couple of weeks away from my 30th birthday, and I have to be honest, I have always looked at turning 30 as this impending doom.  I was feeling like my youth was slipping away.  But now, that has changed and I am ready to slide into my 30′s a whole lot better and smarter. 

Now that I armed with everything that I have learned, all that I have failed and all that I have accomplished, I think I will actually be able to enjoy the next 10 years.  After-all, it will just be a new set of lessons/challenges that will prepare me for my 40′s…which after all is just the new 30.